- Name: Chris Chesak
Monday, July 18, 2005
I am a kidnapper of coffee drinks a declarer of jihad on corporate beverages! I am a terrorist who is ready to kill American coffee drinks in order to achieve my goals, one of which is to pass the time here with mirth and merriment!
First squad bought a case of Starbuck's coffee drinks at the PX and then put them in the communal freezer. They put a note on them, saying 'First Squad's / Do not touch! Or else we will end your life and your so-called pathetic 'career' in the Idaho National Guard!' So of course I take one.
Soon after, this photo (note the old Iraqi army bayonet in the photo) adorns the freezer along with a note from the Rodent Liberation Front (since a first squad member had once declared a 'jihad' against the rats that once lived with us here) stating that the Frappucino will be killed unless a list of demands are met; several rolls of nice, quilted toilet paper, their satellite TV dish receiver, etc. and leave it all in a certain guard tower at midnight.
They respond in a note addressed to the 'Raging Lilies and Fairies' (how dare they make fun of my daughter Lillian!) stating that they do not negotiate and they threaten the RLF in no uncertain terms. They state they have a special hostage rescue team ready to go that will tear us from our beds in the middle of the night.
We, I mean the RLF, replied simply by hanging a Frappucino bottle cap up by the freezer, sending a message that other 'body parts' will follow if our demands aren't met. Our final note says, "So bring on your Delta [Force], your Rangers, your oh-so-'Special' Forces, and your elite Idaho National Guard! We will have God on our side and our jihad (that's right, I said JIHAD) will turn the world against you. Your fate will be the same as your little corporate friend!"
Now, first squad is sort of our 'stud squad,' or so they think. They have a guy who served with the Rangers (he was nearly a Ranger himself but had to withdraw from training when it ran late and would overlap with his wedding), a former Marine sniper, a former corporate VIP bodyguard, and a corrections officer who used to teach some crazy high-speed rescue swimming stuff for the Army. They all got together and decided that they needed to respond with such vigor and overwhelming stupidity that no other squad would dare challenge them again.
We go on patrol one night but leave SPC Smith behind to give him a night off. When we return, Smith is in bed and there's a burned DVD on my desk with 'S.O.K.' on it. We watch the DVD and it's video of first squad charging into our bay, wearing only ski masks and one well-placed sock each. They drag Smitty out of bed, zip tie him, pull a hood over his head and then proceed to question him about where the Frappucino is. Smitty doesn't give them any information but the rest of the video is them outside with a bound and hooded 'Smith' (actually someone else). The Super Outrageous Kidnappers (SOK) go on a diatribe about how "this raid was an example of how they can strike deep into the heart of your organization" and listing their own demands, primarily FIVE cases of Frappucinos. The video ends with the Police's 'Every Breath You Take' playing over a shot of a Frappucino, followed by the text "In loving memory of PFC 'Frappy' Frappucino." (Apparently first squad is well-versed in Mircosoft's MovieMaker program.)
Wilson and I, the master minds behind the RLF huddle together to create a plan - and suddenly realize we got nothin'. They topped us, they win. I mean, we can't even think of something that we could really do, especially since it was all pretty much just Wilson and me, more me really, doing all this.
So two days later (we had to make it look like we weren't TOTALLY capitulating to their demands), PFC 'Frappy' Frappucino was released, unharmed (the bottle cap we strung up was from another Frappucino we found in the trash), and with much fanfare, including a small, but heartfelt 'welcome home' sign.
So what beverage will be kidnapped next? What stupid hat(s) will I put on my head? When will Ghengis Chez strike again? What further idiocy is to follow? Stay tuned true believers and find out!